Dan Naturman: Alumni Calls
Submitted by chris on Wed, 06/23/2010 - 06:17
You spend like a $100 grand in tuition, and you think you're done with them. Then for the rest of your life, they're calling up asking for money. No one else does that. If I see a movie, I don't get a call from the theater, like, 'We're buying a new projector, can you kick in a few bucks? We're calling all the "Spiderman II" alumni.'
Dan Naturman: Alumni Calls
Submitted by chris on Wed, 06/23/2010 - 06:17
You spend like a $100 grand in tuition, and you think you're done with them. Then for the rest of your life, they're calling up asking for money. No one else does that. If I see a movie, I don't get a call from the theater, like, 'We're buying a new projector, can you kick in a few bucks? We're calling all the "Spiderman II" alumni.'
Gabriel Iglesias: The Only Big Friend Argument
Submitted by chris on Wed, 06/23/2010 - 06:17
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.
Gabriel Iglesias: The Only Big Friend Argument
Submitted by chris on Wed, 06/23/2010 - 06:17
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments -- except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster -- whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.
Ted Alexandro: A Lot of Natural Disasters
Submitted by chris on Tue, 06/22/2010 - 05:50
A lot of natural disasters, right? It's depressing -- gotta keep giving money, can't afford it. Gets to be like friends' weddings now -- like, 'Damn, another one. Tsunami plus guest. Ugh.' Hurricanes, earthquakes, mudslides -- it's like the drink menu at T.G.I. Friday's unleashing its wrath on the universe.
Dan Cummins: Greeting Card Writer
Submitted by chris on Mon, 06/21/2010 - 04:57
I don't just write jokes. You know what I'm best at? Greeting cards. I'm a really good greeting card writer. And I'm going to prove it with a little sample of my work I'm going to share for you: 'As each day passes, you grow older, weaker. I've been working out. Revenge is near. Happy Father's Day'
Margaret Smith: Father's Day Card
Submitted by chris on Sun, 06/20/2010 - 03:58
I hate this occasion because I can never find the right card because they're all too nice. So, I usually end up getting the blank card with the tree on it -- draw a little picture of myself hanging there.
Brett Butler: Wait 'Til Your Father Gets Home
Submitted by chris on Sat, 06/19/2010 - 03:03
She'd say, 'Wait 'til your father gets home.' I'm like, 'Mama, it's been eight years.'
John Heffron: School Luggage
Submitted by chris on Fri, 06/18/2010 - 02:59
They don't have backpacks anymore; they all have that rolling luggage crap now. Every time they get home, it looks like they're checking into a hotel. 'Hi, how are ya? What time does the shuttle leave for soccer?'
Dwayne Kennedy: Hard Working Mexicans
Submitted by chris on Thu, 06/17/2010 - 02:41
Mexicans work hard, brother. They work harder than everybody. Mexican's have the strongest work ethic on earth. If Mexicans had been slaves, slavery would've been over real quick because they'd have done 300 hours of work in about nine hours and still have time for a soccer game.
