Arj Barker: 4th of July
Submitted by chris on Sun, 07/04/2010 - 13:08
I read this on the Internet -- did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world?
Steve Marmel: America Is Not a Bully
Submitted by chris on Sat, 07/03/2010 - 12:40
I'm tired of hearing about how America's a bully. America is not a bully. Bullies beat you up and take your money, and that is not what America does. America gives you money -- and then we beat you up. We're the mob. We just kinda wait for the check to clear, then we show up going, 'Hey, you got a real nice f**king country here. Be a shame if something happened to it.'
Jay Mohr: Why the English Hate Americans
Submitted by chris on Fri, 07/02/2010 - 11:36
I don't know if you've ever been to England, but as soon as they find out you're from America, they hate you. They just think they're more sophisticated than we are. They're so pissed at us. You know what it is? They're mad because they lost the Revolutionary War, and they should be because there was only like nine of us.
John Oliver: Falling in Love with America
Submitted by chris on Thu, 07/01/2010 - 11:34
It was like falling in love with a girl who was just throwing up all over herself -- softly holding her hair back and whispering to her that everything was going to be alright. To me, that's what the last eight years were like, here in America: projectile vomiting all over yourself as the rest of the world rubbed your back, saying, 'Sssshhh, that's it. Let it all out.'
Rory Albanese: London McDonald's
Submitted by chris on Wed, 06/30/2010 - 10:50
She says, 'The way you're acting is the reason Europeans hate Americans.' And this is what I said -- true story -- 'Do you know where you are right now? Because you're in McDonald's. This is American soil. You might as well be at the f**king embassy. You might as well be at the embassy, sweetheart, 'cause nobody tells me how to act in McDonald's.'
Wanda Sykes: African American or Black
Submitted by chris on Tue, 06/29/2010 - 10:28
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' -- there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'
Jon Reep: Southern Accents
Submitted by chris on Sun, 06/27/2010 - 08:50
People think you're an idiot. I don't know where they get that idea. But when they hear my accent for the first time, I can tell they're looking at me and they're just waiting for me to say something like, 'What are shoes for?'
Bill Engvall: Creepy Old Man Status Achieved At 50
Submitted by chris on Sat, 06/26/2010 - 07:30
I love being fifty. Fifty is a very cool age. But it does come with some responsibilities. Like fifty-year-old guys can't go out with really young girls anymore. Up to fifty, you can. But once you hit fifty, you become that creepy old guy. And we've all done it. You see some old guy with some young girl, you don't sit there and go 'Aw, that is so sweet'. This is what everybody in this room says: 'Money or drugs, that's all I'm saying. Money or drugs'.
Juston McKinney: Parking Tickets in New York
Submitted by chris on Fri, 06/25/2010 - 07:11
The first ticket I got in Manhattan I thought was a misprint. I'm like, 'No, this has got to be a mistake.' You put a quarter in the meter out there and it runs out, it's a $55 fine. That's a little excessive. Now, I could see it if you parked in a handicapped person's living room, but not for the meter running out. It goes from 25 cents to $55. That's a 22,000% increase.
Tom Papa: You Know Smoking Is Bad for You
Submitted by chris on Thu, 06/24/2010 - 06:19
They smoke for 60-70 years, then they show up, 'I had no idea it was bad for me!' Come on. You're breathing in fire. What did you think you were doing, training for the circus? Even if they didn't put a label on the pack, you would know it's bad for you, wouldn't you? They don't need to put a warning label on a hammer for me to know if I smack myself in the face, it's gonna hurt.
