I used to be jealous; I'm not jealous anymore. And a miracle happened to me, because if you're jealous, it's a cancer, it's a plague on your spirit, it really is. And I actually cured jealousy in a very weird way -- I cured it with mathematics. And I'm not a math person at all, but I've been with my wife for about seven years, so we have had sex probably, I'd like to think, like, 9 million times or, at least, 1,500. So, the way I figured it, if she goes out and screws some other guy once -- I'm still winning.

You ever lie for no reason at all? Just all of sudden, a big lie spills out of your evil head. Like a guy will come up to you, 'Hey, did you ever see that movie with Meryl Streep and a horse?' And you go, 'Yes.' In the back of your head, you're like, 'What in the hell am I lying about over here? I stand to gain nothing by this lie.'

She left, went and studied apes, and then just came home -- went for six years and then just came home. And it's like, what a weird thing to do with your life. She just went and studied them, like how they act and how they eat and they function, and then just left. Went for six years -- left. An ape couldn't do that to us, you know. An ape couldn't just walk into your house and study you for six years.

You ever been to a comedy club? Not a very classy environment. They always have a two drink minimum. They force you to drink 'cause they're very insecure that the show might suck. They're like, 'Come on in -- this guy's hilarious, as long as you are f**ked up the whole time.' Can you imagine another business trying to pull that? You go to a restaurant; they're like, 'Come on in, the food's great here. Before you eat it, you got to smoke some weed. Yeah, we just serve Hot Pockets up in this bitch. But if you're high it, doesn't suck as much.'