Steve Byrne: Half-Korean, Half-Irish
Submitted by chris on Mon, 07/26/2010 - 02:38
It's weird when you're a mix. People just want to play detective with your face. Nine times out of 10, they're polite: 'Where are you from?' I'm like, 'Pittsburgh.' They're like, 'Pittsburgh, right. Seriously though, where are you from?' 'Pittsburgh.' Like I'm from some mutant island south of the Philippines, the island of Half Asia. It's just me, Keanu Reeves and Tiger Woods on a beach all day playing volleyball.
Mike Birbiglia: Five Dates
Submitted by chris on Sun, 07/25/2010 - 02:25
My female friends complain about dating. My friend was like, 'I went out with this guy, and he wanted to sleep with me after five dates.' And I was like, 'No, he wanted to sleep with you after one date. He thought he might have a chance after five. He probably wanted to sleep with you after zero dates, but he thought a trip to Applebee's might grease the wheels a little.'
Paul F. Tompkins: Letter to the Editor
Submitted by chris on Sat, 07/24/2010 - 02:05
What I don't understand is when people write letters to magazines to say how much they agreed with a particular review or how much they enjoyed a particular article, you know what I mean?... You might as well write a letter to your grocery store. 'Dear grocery store: thanks for putting your eggs in a carton. It makes them a lot easier to get them home.'
Dane Cook: By a Round of Applause
Submitted by chris on Fri, 07/23/2010 - 01:46
Comedy crowds -- we always want to come out and ask you, 'How you feeling?' We always say that, 'By a round of applause, how do you feel?' Right? 'By a round of applause, how you feeling?' It's the only place in the world that you judge how you're feeling by a round of applause... There's never like a car accident, people all over the ground, people running over -- 'Ma'am! Ma'am! By a round of applause, how do you feel? By a round of applause -- she's not clapping!'
Rory Albanese: Least Respected Place
Submitted by chris on Thu, 07/22/2010 - 01:32
I'm from Long Island, which is the least respected place in the world. I travel all over the country. I could be in the middle of Omaha doing something and the guy comes up to me and says, 'Hey, where'd you grow up?' I'm like, 'Long Island.' And he's like, 'Loser.' Really? I grew up 22 miles from Manhattan; you lost your virginity to corn. I feel like I win that round. I'm like, 'I've seen the ocean. Game over.'
Demetri Martin: Pillow Fights
Submitted by chris on Wed, 07/21/2010 - 01:24
Man versus woman equals fun. Man versus man equals gay. Woman versus woman equals awesome. Man versus pillow equals crazy. Pillow versus pillow equals crazy awesome -- that's a real pillow fight right there. You see two pillows fighting, you know something's going down. They're designed for relaxation. If they're fighting, what hope do we have? One time I saw two geese fighting, and I was like, 'This is a pillow fight ahead of time.'
Dave Chappelle: The Only Time
Submitted by chris on Tue, 07/20/2010 - 01:16
You know the only time racism is really good for black people? Terrorism. Terrorism -- never take black hostages. You know it's true. You know why they don't take black hostages, don't you? 'Cause we're bad bargaining chips. They call the White House, 'Hello! We have got five black people, and we will kill them, too! Hello? Hello?'
Louis C.K.: Talking to Strangers
Submitted by chris on Mon, 07/19/2010 - 01:14
I like to talk to strangers. I like to go up to people I don't know and just start conversations with them, just start a conversation. Try it. But the way I do it, don't start the conversation in the beginning, just start it in the middle. Try it. Just go up to somebody you don't know and and just go, 'Well how do you think I felt?'
Demetri Martin: Rock, Paper, Scissors
Submitted by chris on Sun, 07/18/2010 - 00:31
I like rock, paper, scissors -- two-thirds. Rock breaks scissors: these scissors are bent, they're destroyed, I can't cut stuff -- I lose. Scissor cuts paper: this is strips, this is not even paper, this can take me forever to put this back together -- you got me. Paper covers rock: rock is fine, no structural damage to rock. Rock can break through paper at any point, just say the word. Paper sucks. It should be rock, dynamite with a cuttable wick, scissors.
Greg Fitzsimmons: Medical Research
Submitted by chris on Fri, 07/16/2010 - 23:22
These are the big breakthroughs in science and technology in the last 10 years: we have Rogaine, Prozac, now we have Viagra. You get a sense for who's bankrolling medical research in this country. It's just depressed, balding, white guys who can't get erections anymore. God forbid they cure something important, like muscular dystrophy. It's like, 'Sorry, little Johnny, you can't get up, but look -- I can.'
