Wouldn't it be great if our bodies were designed so that instead of bad things, good things could be transmitted through sex? Like skills. 'Oh baby, I'm gonna do you 'til you can juggle.' 'Oh my God, don't stop 'til I'm a carpenter, computer programming, air conditioner refrigeration, auto mechanic -- whatever the hell Sally Struthers says in that commercial.' 'How was your date last night? You get lucky?' 'I think my resume speaks for itself.'

I wish sometimes that I could lose my temper the way that Charlton Heston did in the original 'Planet of the Apes,' that scene where he says, 'Take your paws off me, you damn dirty apes!' And he did that after they threw a net on him. It's like, before then, everything was OK; something about monkeys throwing a net on him: 'That's it. That's it. Now, I'm angry.'

Stand-up is a lot like sex. There's a lot of crying involved and I get paid to do it.

The thing I despise about Biggie fans is when they're like, 'Oh man, Biggie was so prolific. 'Cause he knew he was going to die an early death and he rapped about it in his rhymes.' To me, it doesn't take that much imagination to predict an early death when you are a gangster rapper and everyone in your crew carries a submachine gun. That's basic probability; I don't know if you've taken statistics.