Lisa Landry: Spicing Up the Sex Life
Submitted by chris on Fri, 08/27/2010 - 23:03
I told him, 'You are not bringing home a hooker. That is inappropriate. I can't have that.' There's no way I'm gonna watch my husband have sex with another woman, right in front of me, and then she gets paid cash for it -- and then she gets to leave! I don't think so, hooker. You're gonna sit down and listen to him talk for half an hour.
Tig: Where Would You Go?
Submitted by chris on Thu, 08/26/2010 - 22:54
I was at a party, and this guy was hitting on me, and he's hitting on me with the most boring questions. One of them was, 'If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?' And I was like, 'Anywhere?' He was like, 'Anywhere.' I was like, 'Uh -- to the other side of the room. Now, please, get out of the way of a woman and her dream.'
Darrell Hammond: Wrong Number
Submitted by chris on Wed, 08/25/2010 - 22:09
Women solve problems faster than men. Ever see a woman dial a wrong number? Operator tells her to check the number and dial again, she'll check the number and dial again. There ain't a man in this room that will check the number and dial again. We're gonna dial the same damn number, only this time push the buttons a whole lot harder.
Arj Barker: Overwhelmed at the Shoe Store
Submitted by chris on Tue, 08/24/2010 - 20:55
There are so many types of shoes. There's so many categories, and I really have no idea what type of shoe I need at any given time. And I go in there -- I find it a little bit overwhelming. 'Welcome to the shoe store! What are you looking for? Are you looking for walking shoes?' Well, uh, I'd like to have that option. Hopefully, they're adjustable. I mean, I'd like to be able to turn them up to other settings, as well.
Leo Allen: If Animals Could Talk
Submitted by chris on Mon, 08/23/2010 - 20:06
We're in the vegetarian restaurant, which is fine, except for the whole time, I had to look over my friend's shoulder at this sign they had put up on the wall, and they framed the sign -- I think that's what really bugged me -- and the sign said, 'If animals could talk, we probably wouldn't eat them.' Come on, we're already in the vegetarian restaurant! It made me want to make my own sign and hang it up right next to it with a frame that said, 'If vegetables could talk, we'd freak the f**k out.'
Whitney Cummings: All Balls
Submitted by chris on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 19:56
Why do all balls look like they're 150 years old?
Whitney Cummings: On David Hasselhoff
Submitted by chris on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 19:37
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: David Hasselhoff's d**k is like a Polaroid picture: nobody uses it anymore and shaking it does not make it appear faster.
Whitney Cummings: On Lisa Lampanelli's Face
Submitted by chris on Fri, 08/20/2010 - 18:53
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: Lisa did an offensive joke earlier about Roger Ebert. His face is like that because he has jaw cancer. What's your excuse?
Whitney Cummings: On Lisa Lampanelli's Body
Submitted by chris on Thu, 08/19/2010 - 17:23
From the Roast of David Hasselhoff: They say women's bodies are like a wonderland -- yours is more like a football field because it's 100 yards and a lot of black dudes have sprained their ankle on it.
Patton Oswalt: If You Make It to 90
Submitted by chris on Wed, 08/18/2010 - 17:20
If you can take care of yourself and make it to 90, starting at age 90, every year, one law no longer applies to you. Now it starts off small: when you turn 90, you can legally litter. You can litter whenever you want to. You just walk up to a cop on your 90th birthday and drop a cheeseburger wrapper: 'Hey guess what today is? Give me a kiss.'
